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The day the zombies came
I went insane, I think
I grabbed my daddy's gun
Loaded up on ammunition

Blood splatter's not so bad
When it splashes hot on you
The problem that I had
was with the sticky body goo

I'm all for flying skulls
And aiming for the head
But must the damn undead
Exist with body fluids?

Bile and blood and gunk
Bloated gas and decomp
It really isn't fair
I mean, I just washed my hair

It got worse later on
When we started using knives
Bullets run out really fast
When you're fighting for your lives

I should really keep a femur
As a bloody souvenir
It will probably make a useful club
In case a zombie wanders near

I really should have stocked up
On raincoats or plastic sheets
At the very least it will make
The gore easier to clean

Well, my friends I'm off
It's zombie killing time
I do not hope to see you
On the other side

In the event we do meet,
Accept my apologies
Greeting you will not be
My highest priority
for :iconlacoterie:'s August Poetry Prompt

Poetry Prompt:

Write in a different style for a change! If you usually write free verse, then write a rhyming poem. If you usually rhyme, write free verse!

Also, you MUST mention a body part somewhere in the piece. (Femur/skull for this one)


Um, yeah I know there are a couple of cheap rhymes in there. I haven't rhymed in years and seem to have forgotten iambic pentameter. But damn, I had fun. So I guess that's critique I'm asking for. How's the rhyme? Is it too silly?

Now off to read and finish up my critiques for the month!
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:iconthornsnpetals:
thornsnpetals Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I should really keep a femur
As a bloody souvenir
It will probably make a useful club
In case a zombie wanders near 

ahahhahahahhahahha lovelove!
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:iconlychalis:
Lychalis Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011   Writer
:iconlacoterie:

this is well overdue, so please accept my deepest apologies for that :C

anyway, it took me a few read-throughs to think of something for this, and it needs improving, but it's a fun little poem :D it reminds me of all those zombie games and films and it's quite lighthearted, considering it's dark subject.

Anyway, as far as I can tell with metre, you the iambic rhythm fine enough (the DAY the ZOMbies CAME), although most of the lines don't quite make it to 10 syllables, and occasionally some of the lines don't flow too well with the unstressed-stressed rhythm. If I were you, I would try to fit this into iambic tetrameter, as that is closer to what you have here.

As for the rhyming, that needs improving too, as the rhyme structure appears to keep changing, so it's never quite clear. perhaps you should aim for alternate rhyme OR couplets, not both :P

For example, the rhymes of each quatrain seem to go like this: 1. ABCC ABAB ABBC AABB ABCB ABCB ABCD ABCB ABBB - as far as I can tell.

This has the potential to be quite a good humour poem, but you need to go through and see if you can word any of the lines better so they fit in with the iambic tetrameter you're getting at here, and see if you can't sort out the rhyme, too. After that, this should be great :D
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:iconbogbrush:
Bogbrush Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011
Thank you for making me have a big grin on my face reading this :)
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Student Writer
:iconlacoterie:

Hah! This is hilarious. Nicely done! :clap: So, since you asked about the rhymes, I'll focus on those. Remember, you're the writer, feel free to veto my suggestions if you so wish! (:

The only thing I have to say (apart from syllables, because =TwilightPoetess completely covered that bit!) is that I think you should choose a more rigid rhyme scheme. It trips me up a bit, because you don't seem to have one:

The first strophe doesn't rhyme - unless ammunition/gun is a slight rhyme. I'm not sure if it is or not.
The second strophe has 'you' in the second line and 'goo' in the fourth - that is, ABCB.
The third has head/undead - ABBC.
The fourth has hair/fair - ABCC.
The fifth has knives/lives - the same as the second, that is, ABCB.
The sixth has souvenir/near - also ABCB!
The seventh and eighth don't have a rhyme.
I can't figure out what the rhyme is in the last strophe (be/priority - ABCC?), but it sounds good.

So I would say, either make a consistent rhyme-scheme throughout your entire poem (ABCB is your most common, I think, or ABCC, so you might go with one of those if you want). Also, since I really love your last strophe, you might want to keep it the way it is, to make it different from the other stanzas, or something - it's completely up to you. (:

Otherwise, brilliant! I love the dark humour in this, and the complaining tone of the narrator - it's wonderful! The subject matter is a refreshing one as well. :heart:
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:iconvylet666:
Vylet666 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
its cute
Reply
:iconbetwixtthepages:
betwixtthepages Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconlacoterie:

I really, really, really adore the subject matter of this poem! It's not very often (anymore) that you get a poem about zombies that actually RHYMES, as well! Although I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed at the ending--I kept expecting the speaker to get bit at the end. Alas, it's a nice change of pace, to have the speaker remain healthy.

The rhyme scheme throughout this piece is a bit wonky to me. There are some stanzas that work EXCELLENTLY--they flow smoothly and seem to have been pulled off with a hitch. There are others, however, that don't work very well, and I will attribute this from the fact that you haven't written a rhyme scheme in, as you say, "years."

So let me take a moment to remind you what iambic pentameter is, as you've mentioned you seem to have forgotten. What iambic pentameter boils down to, basically, is this: 10 syllables per line, alternating between stressed syllables and unstressed syllables. Sort of like a sing-song pattern...

da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM
or
i WENT to CHURCH with YOU just YES ter DAY.

So let's take a quick look at a couple of your stanzas and see where some of your rhythms are off at.

Bile and blood and gunk
Bloated gas and decomp
It really isn't fair
I mean, I just washed my hair


Now, look at it counted stressed and unstressed...

BI le AND blood AND gunk
BLOAT ed gas AND DE comp
it REAL ly IS n't FAIR
i mean, i JUST washed MY hair.

And if we were to go even farther, and count syllables per line...

BI le AND blood AND gunk (6)
BLOAT ed gas AND DE comp (6)
it REAL ly IS n't FAIR (6)
i mean, i JUST washed MY hair. (7)

So there's a little bit of synchronization there. Let's look at another one.

It got worse later on
When we started using knives
Bullets run out really fast
When you're fighting for your lives


it GOT worse LA ter ON (6)
when we START ed US ing KNIVES (7)
bullets RUN out REAL ly FAST (7)
when you're FIGHT ing FOR your LIVES (7)

Fairly consistent, although with 7 syllables instead of 6 this time.

I guess what my main suggestion for this piece is, find one syllable count and stick to it. It helps with the rhythm, first and foremost, and it ALSO helps with finding the right balance between the stressed and the unstressed syllables. Read it out loud. Listen to how you say words naturally, and how they work within the piece. Rhyming poems are a pain in the ASS to get right....but when you DO, it is so, SO worth it.

Again, I ADORE the subject matter of this poem. Zombies are a HUGE thing lately, especially in the entertainment world, and this piece is BEAUTIFUL in that sense. Lovely, lovely job! And thank you so, SO much for putting your neck out and giving my zany poetry prompt a try! I love the result.
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